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In one of the comments on my first blog entry, reader “James” wrote something that struck a chord, because it is an idea I hear a lot: namely, that it is acceptable behavior to sharply criticize someone in some line of work and if that person does not take it constructively, it is their fault.

I am aware James probably meant something more nuanced, such as upon occasion the direct approach works, and I agree with that. But to those who spout honesty as the overall best policy, I cannot disguise my disgust and contempt for such an idea.

Let me say this about people who believe in just being honest and straightforward with criticism: their motives are generally not pure and honest at all. There is often an undercurrent of hostility directed at the target; they themselves feel insecure, or in need of asserting their power. A person who truly cares about expressing a criticism in a way that is constructive looks at the individual he or she is facing and decides, strategically, what will work, what will improve the target’s performance in the long run. Running someone down does not work, unless it is part of a plan to criticize and then build up–what I call strategic harshness and kindness. The sadistic editor I was facing was not being strategic.

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When I was fresh out of college and starting my writing career at a magazine in New York, I will never forget a particularly lovely spring afternoon in which the editor of the magazine invited me for lunch to discuss my latest article. I thought it was a good piece I had written and was expecting some praise. Instead, he proceeded to dissect the article, explain why it was so bad, why I would never be a writer, and what other careers I should think about.

This of course shocked me. But instead of thinking of myself, I couldn’t help study the man who was saying this. He was downing one gin and tonic after another, in the middle of the afternoon. The following image came to me, one I remember to this day as vividly as ever: this man was like a house that looked okay from the outside, but on the inside, all of the beams and supports were rotting and termite infested…from alcohol, from his own sad life. I also had the feeling that maybe some twenty years earlier another editor had given him the same ugly talk, and it worked, and so instead of being a writer, he turned into a dried-up editor, full of regrets. His way was not to help others avoid the same mistake, but to do the opposite.

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